Broken in Pieces

If you ask her what do you like? What's your favorite sport? She will tell you art, basketball, music and hanging out with her friends. She is a normal 12 year old girl. She played basketball for her school team and was very proud of it. When a mom of another player had this picture taken and blown up, she loved it! Every player had one and it hung in the gym. When the season was over she got to take it home.  She taped it on the door of her bedroom with her favorite colored duct tape, orange. 

This was a tough school year for her. It's tough for lots of kids. Searching for their identity can prove itself to be quite a challenge. She has always been beautiful, confident, creative and had lots of friends. This year she began to doubt herself in so many ways. Some were confusing ideas about what she's supposed to look like. Sources like magazines, music, Instagram, and other kids began to shape the world's view of what beauty looks like inside and out. It was no longer enough to tell her we thought she was beautiful, or that God says she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Boys began to chip away at her confidence by calling her a slut, thot, whore and oddly fat. Girls began deciding who their best friend was daily. They don't tell each other always what they are mad at, how silly. The silent treatment is the best way for sure. Eventually, a group began to rally against her. Kids began to chose to stay away because, at least they weren't being picked on this time. No one had the courage to say anything, to stand up for her. Rumors spread that she had an eating disorder, had sex, was gay. Notes were passed but thrown away, whispering in the halls, dirty looks across the classroom. 

As parents it's hard to watch. We took her off social media. We had phone conversations with other parents, teachers, and administration. At times, we felt we were making progress other times it felt like we took ten steps back. Parents made excuses for their children or empty promises to stop the child from harassing ours. Teachers didn't hear anything or see anything. Why didn't  she just come tell us, they would ask. Because tattling makes it worse. While she would find comfort and a safe place in the office she couldn't stay there all day and miss class. Her emotional meltdowns at home grew bigger and bigger until they became all out panic attacks. She would scream in fear because she could hear the shouting voices of the kids who ridiculed her. She would go to counseling but it didn't seem to be helping. Being in a support group of other kids with depression and anxiety only made her feel like she fit in. They help each other learn ways of hiding the pain in all sorts of ways. We decided to calm things down a bit by homeschooling her. Quiet life down, let her do her learning in peace, and let her start the healing process. 

One night in a fit of frustration and anger she took that favorite basketball picture and tore it to pieces. Inside I broke into a million pieces myself. Why? She would ask. Why, can't I just go home? Now, that's a question no parent wants to hear. We say heaven is such a wonderful place why can't she go there? Why did she have to live in this misery? Because, we aren't in charge of when we go home. God is in charge and he is watching over us and makes those decisions. I fully believe and have faith God is fixing this, healing her broken heart, and will make her stronger.

 

I tried taping this picture back together. Even though I can put the pieces where I think they fit I can only do the best I can. It won't be the same. But no matter how hard I try to fix her, put her broken pieces back together, I will never be able to do it the way her creator can. After all, he had her first. He knew her before he formed her and placed her in my body. There will always be lies we believe about ourselves that tear a piece of us each time but God is the ultimate healer and can use it for good. It is my prayer that He heals each wound and fills every whole she sees in herself. I can't fix her. I can take her to the doctor and counseling (which we do) but ultimately, my job as a mother is to lead her to the cross. Where, our Savior Jesus experienced the ultimate form of bullying. Doing nothing wrong, He was arrested, beaten, spit at, called names, laughed at, and killed. He hung there on the cross for the salvation of her and even for the sins of the bully. He paid the price and then conquered death so we could have new life. Yes, we all want to go home someday, to be in the presence of Jesus. But, God has a plan for us here until then. This is a small portion of her story but she is a big part of Gods story. We all are.

Don't you know who I am?

When I was a child, I grew up with a very confused idea of Jesus and the church. I had some good examples of good followers of Christ. I heard Jesus loved me and learned the Lord's Prayer at a very young age. But, I did not grow up in the church. I was taught through expirence that Jesus may love you but only certain kinds of people are really welcome to church. If you were divorced or the children of divorced parents you were welcome sometimes, but don't get comfortable. When I got older and became a teenage mother, my mom decided we needed to find a church. We tried several and did find one that was very welcoming. My mom finally found a church home to return to her faith and was accepted. She had found a ministry of lots of adults that were divorced but loved Jesus. They were very welcoming to me too. Loving and caring even though it was obvious what my sin was. However, I thought once again, there are groups still not totally welcome. There wasn't really a good fit for me. College kids didn't have kids, so no childcare for activities or bible study. The singles group was full of people my moms age that had been divorced or never married. Very few had young kids mostly their kids were grown. Yet, I made do. I accepted the love they offered because I really needed it. We may have been lost for awhile but God led us anyway. I'm thankful to be in a church family that welcomes and loves me. 

I was thinking about Mary this morning. What a dilemma she was in!  She believed and loved God very much. She took on a task she new would make her a social outcast. She followed Joseph to Bethlehem not knowing anyone. They didn't even stay with family. When a woman is that close to having her baby, she is tired, sore, and does whatever she can to be comfortable till the time comes to deliver. Yet she rode in on a donkey and since every house was apparently full there was no where to go. I can't say I would have been as quiet and humble as she was. Surely, I would have shook my fist and said, " don't you know who I am?" I'm about to deliver God in the flesh and you want to put me up in a barn?! Joseph would have been kicked outside for putting me up in a place like that....

Yet, she didn't. God chose someone who could carry out his will without putting the focus on herself. She and Joseph stayed in the stable. She delivered Jesus. No family members were pacing outside the door. Facebook wasn't waiting for her status. No pictures were taken of the greatest moment in time. She got to hold him, stare at him, and kiss the face of God. Little did she know, the world would celebrate this forever. But, it's Jesus's day. No #creditmary. But, God does. He gave her a task and she obeyed. 

Not everyone's cross to bear is the same. Some are uglier than others yet the same blood covers it all. Some people may only come to church on Christmas and Easter. Maybe that's the only time they feel they fit in. It challenges me to let them know they belong and are welcome to join us everyday. Jesus came for everyone. Thank you, Mary for bringing him to us. Thank you God for choosing her. Thank you Jesus for living and dying for us. I pray the Holy Spirit will move us to welcome everyone and tell that good news. 

Holding on to my Roots

I don't usually like yard work. Aaron loves to garden and always invites me to come help or at the very least come see the progress of his garden. I appreciate his garden and the good eats we get from it. I also appreciate his love for the the work he puts into it. In an effort to have something productive to do I have decided to get out in our backyard to make improvements. We love to sit out there at night to relax. I want to put some effort in to making it a nicer place for us to enjoy. To my relief, there is lots to do for free! 

I started out by just pulling weeds. I cleared out a small extension of our patio that was overgrown with weeds. I had the kids help out, until the complaining starts. This is my peaceful project that isn't going to be ruined by their negativity. However, I am keeping in mind the little irritating jobs for behavior adjustments....I'm no dummy! When I do jobs like these, I do a lot of thinking. I'm not intentionally praying but sometimes God must get the idea I am talking to him because he tends to interrupt me. Prayer is a conversation with God, so I guess I end up praying. Most of the time these are quiet thoughts however I have had my moments of talking out loud to myself. I don't recommend that if you are outside or in the garage because someone might hear you. Speaking from personal expirience. That's kinda embarrassing.... So, today while pulling more weeds in a flower bed, I had a quiet conversation with God. 

I noticed some weeds were easier to pull than others. I paid careful attention to what I was yanking out so I didn't take out something important Aaron was growing. I'm not super familiar with the plants. So, some of them look like meaningless weeds. I noticed the parallels to the things in our life. Some of those plants that look like weeds are a work in progress. Some of those plants look like a terrible mess until they bloom and they are beautiful for a few weeks. Some of them produce fruit to be used for our benefit just like we produce fruit that is used for the benefit of others, not just to keep to ourself. If we left the fruit on the plant and selfishly let it die it wasn't useful like it was intended. If we selfishly keep the fruits God intends for us to give away, we let a part of us spiritually die too. Some of the roots of the weeds came up easily. Sometimes it is easy for us to give up our dead weeds or some bad habits. We let them go and move on. But in every garden, and every human being, there are roots that don't come up so easily. God is the gardener, he does the pulling. A plant doesn't prune itself, nor does a garden maintain itself. God reaches down to pull the root or sin out of our life but we hold onto it. Sometimes it looks like he got it but all it did was rip off the top. It looks neat and clean for awhile but the root is still there and will be back, like an addiction. Sometimes, he works it slowly. Pulling away the dirt, digging to the bottom and gently takes it out. Either way, we can't take those out on our own. We need a loving gardener. To watch over, weed us, water us, feed us, and help us give our fruit away to share the love of that garden and gardener. God is the gardener. He sent Jesus to weed us, water us, feed us. He gives us the Holy Spirit to help us give our fruit out and spread his love. 

John15:1 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears nofruit, while every branch in me that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. "

So what is this fruit that he grows in us to give away? Galatians 5:22 tells us. But, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control. My backyard won't be done in one day, neither will God be done with me in one day. It's a process. I'm not giving up on my yard because I can't fix it all at once. Thankfully, God doesn't give up on us either because we are not cleaned up in one day. He is more faithful to me than I will probably be to my backyard. That gives me a lot of hope. I hope it gives you hope and encouragement, too!

Stuck in a rut

Lately, I have been stuck. My life seemed like it was on repeat. Each day same as before. Raising two middle schoolers can make it feel that way. They don't come up with new things to laugh about, argue over, material to use to their advantage. Therefore, I feel like I'm fighting the same battles everyday. This can become quite depressing and if your teens are good at getting their point across you may even begin to think maybe they are right. "They are the only teens being treated this unfairly!"

This was really getting me down. I would take two steps in the house and my shoulders would cramp up. I would quickly try to think of any reasonable reason I could just leave and come back later. Crap! No, I'm a responsible mother who needs to make dinner, check homework, listen to trumpet practice, delegate dishes, order showers(smell the hair to be sure the shower was done properly) and announce bedtime. I then collapse on my bed know it all starts over again in the morning. 

There has to be help in this craziness!! A life line. There is. His name is Jesus. He isn't God hanging around upstairs watching me drive myself crazy. He is also named Emmanuel. This means God with us. So, He is with me when I don't know how to answer their sarcastic questions. He's with me, giving me power through the Holy Spirit to call them out when the sarcasm is just disrespectful. He gives me discernment in choosing my battles. And, he is with me as I sigh in exhaustion, whispering he will restore my energy and strength. 

Because, I may be questioning God. What is your will for me? How can I serve you when I have craziness at home? His job for me at this time is be the Mom he created me to be for the children he created to honor him in the future. My job is to be the loving, helpmate to my husband, so he can glorify God and preach the Gospel. Now, I feel honored. Honored that he chose me. He equips me with his Word and Spirit. He has given me the fruits of the spirit to help me handle whatever comes my way with the kids and my husband. 

Jesus once asked a man, " do you want to be well?". I do want to be well. I hear him saying pick up your mat (that you like to throw pity parties on) and get up and walk. I will, my Lord. 

What areas do you feel the Holy Spirit telling you to listen to him? He has the answers.

A Cottage in the Woods

One of my favorite pastimes is spending time with my husband. He and I frequently sit on the back porch after the kids have gone to bed. He will generally smoke his pipe while we both sip on wine. Sometimes we sit and just talk, sometimes we talk while playing on our phones, and sometimes we just want to be near each other. On a warm night we are barefoot and casual. On cold nights I love to curl up with a warm jacket or blanket and my boots. Either way it is always fun and much needed.

The other night we pulled out the laptop to look at Pinterest. We will look at all kinds of categories. This particular night we looked up places to travel. We came across this picture of an old cottage settled in the woods. We imagined our own little story with this picture. We imagined we were lost in the forest and came upon this house. We wore tired and hungry. Smoke was pouring from the chimney inviting us to come in. An old couple lived in this cute home. They gave us a warm welcome. The man was short and had white hair with a long beard. He didn't have a mustache. He just had a long beard he would softly pull at while settling in to tell us a story. He sat in  a comfy chair with a wall of books behind him. We sat listening while sipping tea. The woman was plump. She wore an old apron over her dress while she cooked us up a warm stew of some sort. We were warm, comfortable, and enjoying our fellowship and good food with this cute couple. This couple enjoyed each other, loved each other, and made a life out of it.

It was a simple story and we had so much fun making it up together. Putting our imaginations together was a simple way of connecting. One of the best things you can do with your spouse is date. Sometimes we go out alone, sometimes we go out with friends, and sometimes it is spending time at home. This time we took a walk through the forest. Either way, I was with my best friend, lover, and soul mate. God wants us to spend time together. He made us for relationships. Relationships cannot be built and matured if all we do is live in the same house, run our kids where ever they need to be, and just happen to sleep in the same bed. God wants us to enjoy each other, pray together, and love each other.

Song of Songs 1:2-4a  Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth- for your love is more delightful than wine. Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes; your name is like perfume poured out. No wonder the maidens love you! Take me away with you- let us hurry!

Mission Haiti- Taking a Look Around

During our stay in Haiti, we were given able to take a look around to see the good and the not so good. Despite the hardships they have endured and will continue to endure, there are good things going on. People that find work, some that make it on any skill they can use to get by, and some go to begging.

Helen and Pastor Benoit took us to Jubilee to see what a benefit micro-loans are. That is when a person comes to Mission:Haiti requesting a small loan to start a business. This business has to be successful and the money has to be paid back when they begin earning an income. It is amazing what some of these loans have empowered Haitians to do to provide for their families. We visited a man that remakes mattresses. He strips them down to the springs. He then fixes the springs and scrubs down the foam and cover. They really get down and scrub on their hands and knees. Then they put the mattress back together by sewing everything in its place. He has already paid back his loan and now has a couple of employees. This provides for his family and the family of the employee. We met another woman. She takes care of 12 kids. Her husband and son died in the cholera epidemic. Six children are hers and six are her son's if I remember correctly. She purchases rice in large bags and re-packs them in smaller bags. She sells them and other odd things she can sell. They were very proud of there hard work and the dignity of working to provide for there families. We met with several others who do similar jobs. Forgive me, but, if some of Americans would spend more time doing whatever labor they could to provide for their own families and less time filling out paper work or standing in lines for a hand out from our government, maybe our welfare system wouldn't be so out of hand. There is no back up plan for these Haitians. There is not a safety net to catch them if they are out of work, disabled, or have chronic depression. If they want to survive they have to suck it up and do something. There is plenty of begging and many Haitians eat only once every other day. I can't begin to understand that. On the news there is much controversy over the cuts in food stamps. How about not being able to eat for 48 hours on a regular basis. I realize Haitian society and American society is vastly different but we can surely be thankful for the help we do receive and not take advantage of the system. Ok, off of my soap box....

Pastor gave us a tour of his church building. Not only to they do church services and other outreach programs, they offer much more. The building is four stories. The top floor is a radio station, the third is a technology lab and classrooms for seminary students. The second floor is similar. They have a lot of space and use it well to equip Haitians to do what God calls them to do.

We did not stop to shop at market but we drove through. The streets were lined with everything you could think of. They had clothes, food, toys, appliances, live chickens and other animals, even alcohol. They use a lot of donations that are sent to Haiti and re-sale it to other Haitians that can't afford it. Weird. That is why you are encouraged to check into the program you are donating to. That way you can be sure it goes to a needy family not just street vendors.

We took a tour of the boys home and the future girls home. The boys home has had lots of improvements since I was there last year. They had lots more plants, They planted a garden-I think corn was what they were growing, among other things. They were building an extra sleeping area. They even had already hung up the hand wreath given to them by our students at Shepherd of the Hills. The girls home is under construction. They were currently working on the sleeping area. They showed us the what the rest will look like and anticipate moving the girls in at the beginning of November. The girls that are already signed up to stay there are currently in foster homes. Just across the same property is Concordia Christian school where they attend school. We looked at the classrooms that were pretty empty. School doesn't start for them until October. Candice wrote Jesus loves you in Creole on the chalkboard. There are blocks cut out in each wall to another classroom. I would imagine that would be quite loud. Enoch told me they are required to take English and Spanish. Interesting.

We had quite a week. We served and enjoyed every minute of it. We saw things we will never Should we go home and get rid of everything we own? No, we live in a different society and we have what we need to live and enjoy. Haitians have joy and hope in a place that looks so desperate. We should be thankful for what we have, try not to misuse the blessings we have been given, and learn to love others. Jesus came to love and serve everyone. He showed it by serving the least of these, performing miracles, and teaching even those who were to proud to admit they didn't know it all. Helen reminded us we were born the way we are and where we are for a reason. Can we save Haiti? No, only God can do the work that needs to be done to help them survive and learn about his salvation. He tells us when and how to do what he needs us to do.

The last thing we did was pack up and head out closer to Port Au Prince. We would be staying closer to the airport so we didn't have to leave at 3:00 am. Our lodging was a prettier side of Haiti. There is much beauty in Haiti. We had our last night of devotions. We reflected on what we did, what God did, and how we would adjust back home. I was surprised to find myself struggling more this time when I got home. It was tough to see everything we saw and tough to leave it behind. Thankfully, we will (Lord willing) be back. This is the wonderful part of the partnership with our church and Mission:Haiti. The mission never ends. We can continue to help from home, school, and church. Look for ways you can be a part of this team!!!

Mission Trip to Haiti- Vacation Bible School

This was my main focus during the trip. I had worked to prepare it and the first day had not gone as well as I had hoped for. But, we knew God had a plan and the show must go on. Candice and I re-grouped and re-organized for the next day. This day Lophane, Enoch, and Sophanie would be staying with us.  We were excited to get started!

We arrived earlier than yesterday but there were still about 40 kids already there and ready! As we got set up, the translators helped get named tags on. It is very helpful to us if they have name tags. We can pronounce most of them by the way they are spelled. (in English) Candice had everything ready to go for crafts! They would be doing hand prints today. The verse on the paper for that was John 3:16. For God so loved the world that he gave is only Son, that whoever shall believe in Him shall have eternal life. Lophane , Enoch, and Sophanie got started with music. Candice and I jumped in with movements and singing along when we could.  He led the kids with excitement and joy! They sang Father Abraham-it has lots of movement and fun, Read your Bible pray everyday and you'll grow, grow, grow. This song has them reaching high as they are growing in Jesus, Jesus Loves Me, and Lord I Lift Your Name on High. We said a prayer and split into 2 groups. We did the same schedule as before. Enoch helped me with the story. It takes a special translator to translate a story. You need someone that can pass on the excitement and emotion you use to tell a story. Enoch has that special gift. (He is in school for education!!) Anyway, today's story was about God's family. I printed the title in Creole on the story board along with pictures. I explained we are all part of God's family and that is how he intended it to be. Then sin came in to our world. The children and I agreed that sin is anything that displeases the Lord and it would be unfair to let sin go unpunished. We talked about how Jesus came to take on our sin, to take the punishment of death for our sin. Then he conquered death through his Resurrection and believing in him and what he has done makes us a part of God's family. We talked about the riches that God says are ours. It is somewhat tricky to talk about riches to children that don't have much. When Americans come it seems they have more "riches" than they do. But, we talked about the riches that are not tangible. Where stealing is something that happens more often than not, we talked about riches no one can steal. No one can steal your joy, love, salvation, and faith. What a relief!! We do have riches in common! We concluded the story and then switched. Once we were done the translators helped to get everyone seated and released them one row at a time for there snack. We were prepared this time and had plenty to share. Instead of watching their reactions in panic of running out, we were able to enjoy their grateful faces. It was a good time had by all.

The next two days we were doing vacation bible school in Jubilee. Because of the large number of children we would be doing only one day for one group and then we would come back the next and do one day with the remaining children. We stuck with the story of God's family, the first day the children decorated crosses and the second day a different set of kids did hand prints. Jubilee was run a little different. We told them we only had enough to do 100 kids at a time. The pastors did a great job of keeping track of how many we had and cutting it off at 100. The kids waiting outside the first day would have there chance at vbs the next day. Just because there are a 100 kids does not make the church any bigger. So, we told the story first and then did the craft. The craft was stationed at the front of the inside of the church. This way the kids could do their craft and receive their snack without being mobbed at the door. The Pastors helped to usher the kids to the craft table and out of the door. The kids their were so desperate. The ones that did not make it inside the first day stood peering in through the holes of the walls of the church. They would reach in and gently tug at our ankles. It is hard not to give in. But, you have to be strong and confident that they will get their turn the next day. And when we are out, we are out. It sounds hard and it but that is just the way it is. Candice made a wonderful point. We can tell our kids in America sometimes things just aren't fair-deal with it. But for one day, she felt it was important for things to be fair at least one day for those kids that we served in Haiti. I absolutely agree. We tried to do just that, we just had to be careful that no one snuck in to get seconds.

Both days in Jubilee were exciting and fun! The kids had a great time and so did the grown ups. It was crazy to know that God was protecting us. He gave us this space, this time to enjoy praising His name, even when the enemy was staring right at us. We were making a statement in a Voodoo community. For all who were enjoying praising God in the name of Jesus Christ, we are also in this bubble of protection. Never have I ever seen the Holy Spirit in action presently protecting us as we served Him humbly!!! It was an experience I will never forget. Those kids had so much fun and nothing to fear, in a community that is held captive through fear. And, like all things in Haiti, when it is time to go....pack up and leave fast. All leftovers were later given to the pastors to do as they wish. As we were leaving, a woman sat across the street from the church. She sat on her porch holding a baby that was crying so loud. She was not worrying over that baby, she was busy staring at us with evil I have never seen before. She was mumbling curses at us as we loaded up. For a tiny second  I was worried. I asked Helen, "should we be worried?" She said no because we are protected by Christ. WHEW!!!!!

 What a day. What an experience. So many things to look back at and remember forever. I will remember that it doesn't matter what language a child speaks, what social status they come from, or even what religion. All children love to sing, dance, hear stories, do a craft, and of course receive at treat. We got to do it in the NAME OF JESUS!

As always in Christ Jesus,
Amy